Bridal Insanity

Guess what reader(s)? I’m getting married! I’m very excited about it; I have a beautiful ring and a few, fairly low-key plans including not wearing stupid shoes, having LOADS of food (because I always end up hungry at weddings) and lots of Motown and Soul music so everyone can dance all night.

After that I’m fairly flexible.

I had ideas about the dress but it turned out it was too expensive: I’ve changed my mind to get a cheaper one.

I had a few venues in mind but my boyfriend didn’t like them: We’re going to keep looking until we find somewhere we both like.

I thought I knew what kind of food I wanted but it was too expensive; I’ve changed my mind to find something easier to manage and more affordable.

This all seemed sensible to me. We have a budget, we don’t want to go into debt, we want it to be fun and not stuffy or full of ceremony.

With my new found thriftiness (who am I kidding?) and a whole heap of excitement, I bought some wedding magazines, a scrap book to put some ideas in and starting looking online for ways to save money.

And so commenced my disappointment. Not in the available dresses, not in the selection of venues (some impossibly expensive), not in the oddities that are Wedding Favours and ludicrous invitations with ribbons, photos and bizarrely archaic wording. In the seemingly normal and almost laudable, but frankly laughable, expectations it’s okay for you to have as ‘The Bride’.

In the August 2010 edition of Perfect Wedding magazine a question is posed to ‘The Wedding Consultancy’ column: ‘My parents are divorced and although my mum is still single, my dad wants to bring his new partner to the wedding. Where should I seat her?’ Er... This is a dilemma? The ‘Consultancy’ answers in predictably soothing language, suggesting introducing her to some people informally beforehand and seating her with them. I have no problem with the question in principle or even the answer. I just want to know why the bride can’t grow a pair and seat her wherever she likes? These are all grown up people, able to speak and say ‘Hello, I’m so and so’ and get on with enjoying a lovely meal you’ve paid for. It’s finding the solution to this kind of ‘problem’ that babiefies (okay, not an ACTUAL word but you know what I’m going for) brides and turns them into this simpering figure that needs looking after on ‘their day’ because if something went wrong all hell would break loose.

My favourite was an article in Aug/Sep 10 Cosmopolitan Bride called ‘Be The Life of your Party’ with the tag line ‘Don’t let blood sugar or fussy footwear derail 12 months of careful prep. Here’s how to pull off the perfect party as planned’. One fantastic suggestion is asking a friend to monitor your alcohol intake if you’re worried about getting tipsy. Look. If you’re worried about getting tipsy, it will be because you like boozing and know you’ll have more than a glass of champagne over the course of the day. And if you like boozing, how much will you like some sanctimonious friend saying ‘Lucy, I think you’ve had enough’ (simper simper) after your second glass? I’ll bet my peacock feather fascinator not at all. No, all you need do is NOT GET DRUNK. It is possible. We all do it most days (I hope).

There are masses more nuggets of advice peppered across the pages of the magazines and I sigh a bit more deeply as I read each one because apparently my focus should be on having the bestest, most special day of my life. Not the fact that I am getting married to the person I love so much, I never want to be with anyone else. I honestly haven’t read a single article (yet) that says ‘remember girls, a wedding is a nice party and have fun, but the best bit is you’re married to THAT person forever – how fan-f***ing-tastic!’

Because that’s how I feel. And if that’s how I feel, it’s pretty certain that there are a whole host of other women who do too. And how sad it will be if they don’t realise it’s okay for your wedding NOT to be perfect, because no one says ‘shake it off and get down that aisle’ when they realise the peonies in their bouquet are the wrong shade of yellow?

My wedding will fabulous even though I’m making my own cake, my own bouquets and buttonholes, wearing flip-flops and having the reception in someone’s house. Because it will be the day I get married to THAT person.

And then the honeymoon...